Greatest List of God's mistakes.

Ok, lets get the obvious out of the way and get straight to the point.
The obvious stuff:
* God is NOT a person. I repeat. God is NOT a person. Its a special position entitled to a person. Much like "Tom is the chairman". That doesnt mean "Tom" and "chairman" are
the same thing. Hope you understand what I mean. Also point to be noted is that the person for this position is arbitrarily chosen it could be anyone. a chicken. a cat. even someone you dislike. so be careful of the ass you kick. You might have to kiss it someday.
* You have to understand that "challenges" are not the same thing as misery. Me asking you to play chess with me is challenge for you. Me boiling you in oil is misery for you.
Got point ? Good lets move on
* It requires paranormal intelligence to understand & predict God's actions. If you could, you would be smarter, right ?

Unless you have other things in mind thats way too obvious lets get down to business
1) Women: Cant stay without 'em. Cant stay with them. Love 'em ? Damned if do. Damned if you don't. Just plain damned. Just why on earth (or any other planet ) did God create creatures
as pretty as them with intelligence comparable to the organisms that I used to dissect in my skool ?
2) Love: Ok let me put it in my comrade ,Smith's, words:
"Illusions of a mind ... the temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify its existence that is without meaning or purpose . .. as unreal as life itself. Although only a human
mind can invent something as insipid as love". Amen ! Quite a mouthful , eh ? read it all over again and aloud. If you still cant seem to get it your life is purposeless. Consider taking up life as an hermit.
3)Miseries: This is too obvious fundamental mistake. Everytime I muse about life , the universe, the challenges , the answers I realize that it was here God goofed up the most. Some of these calamites (natural or otherwise) can be related to the female of the species. Even if you think on a biological scale if something bites you , most likely its gotta be a female.
By the way, those of you who are still searching for the meaning of life and the answer to everything in the universe the answer is 42.
Excerpt:
They asked the computer for the Answer.
"The answer to what?", asked Deep Thought.
"Life! The Universe! Everything!" they said.

After calculating for seven million years, it told them that the Answer was "Forty-two"...

Cheers from the Dog That Knew Too Much.
Be safe. Be good. Think. Dont be an idiot. Class dismissed.

Arranged Marriages ?

A guy I know had married couple of days ago. An arranged marriage. He never saw or met the girl. Hes in Calcutta while she is in Pune. And quite obviously the day he got her cell number they were talking long hours. I never quite understood this behaviour of people who are undergoing pre-arranged marriages. Thats love he said. I nodded.
The clincher came when he got married and had to return to office in a few days. The next weekend he flew back coz he couldnt "wait".
"Responsibilities, ya'know" he said.
I nodded.
Pray , what kind of responsibilties ? I could let my wicked mind run riot but its quite obvious that people who are desperate to get settled via arranged marriage have a one track mind. The "path of no return" beckons them. Marry if you must. Not if you can. You marry because you love. It cant be anyother way. I wouldnt understand it anyother way since I am extremely choosy even about picking my friends. The thought of spending a life time with someone who I barely know is a nightmare. And hence my long standing thought "Arranged marriages are like prostituion. Only its exclusive and long term"

You Got Male !

Its a mans world ! theres no denying that.No wonder we have intelliGENT but not intelliLADY.
What girls dont understand is that men are inherently single tasking animals. They cant drive and listen to their rants, cant phone and work at the same time, cant drink coffee and stir it at the same time. etc etc.

We dont study people and judge them by the tone of their voice. We have a sense of humor at everything. Yes. Everything. They dont seem to understand and seem to have various mood for various situations.For us Life is a joke.No one gets out alive , isnt it ?

Like the last week I used the "incorrect tone" at a girl and found that her mobile was unreachable till midnight. Panic seized me as i called Mo and explained what happened. Oh dont worry. He chuckled. Whats the max that could happen ? Even if she ran away from home we will have her name and photo in tomorrows newpaper. Thats it !
Well he IS a typical male. I must admit.

But girls do they understand ? Considering the following situations i dont think so.

Scene 1) I am looking for a parking spot to park my car and driving along scanning the perimeters of road. "Shall we park there ? " i asked her. "No" she said "dont park infront of people's house. They deflate the tires"
"Well i can only see girls in the house " I said
"What makes you think girls wont deflate tyres ?"
"Well " i replied "if they could locate the tyre they would "
She put on a disgusted look on her face
"i dont know why you guys (undermine a girl , think so big) etc etc" i couldnt hear the rest of the sentence coz i found a parking spot and was concentrating on parking there.
Well. This time she was correct. There were four girls in front of the house and the probablity of one of the four girls correctly locating one of the four wheels were high.

Scene 2) Serious conversation on phone (Like on how to reduce poverty , misery and suffering, nagging in the world etc etc)
Me: " Oh yes. i See" nodding so vigourously my head literally came off and bounced on the floor.
She: " I suppose you find this funny"
Me: " NO !"
She : "What do you mean No"
Me: I mean no. its not funny. (honestly , whats the answer)
She: Your tone suggested other wise
Me: (Silent.Be still my beating heart)
She: Why are you silent ? Do you mean something
Me:No. NO
She: NO ?
Me: I went into a diabetic coma and cant remember how i wriggled out of this situation.

Scene 3)
I am concentrating on my work(or atleast pretending to do so) and staring so hard at the computer that its burning a hole in the monitor Like any typical alpha male I can concentrate on only ONE thing at a time.And suddenly i hear her voice
"What database are you using ?"
Me: (totally out of synch. Was dreaming about vacation in hawaii. What the heck is a database ? Where am i ?I gotta say something in order to avoid being branded a dumbo) Well... hmmm... there are many databases.
She: (nearly a shriek) what the hell do you mean by there are many databases ? There is only one, the DB23i !
Me: (well. I WAS dumb. there was only one database and I dont remember its name ? Shame on me!)
Cheers NB. Hope you got me now.

Scene 4)
Mo has got a run of the mill camera and he has got an text sms of Dia Mirza in it. He shows the phone to his colleague and says its a mobile with camera.She is excited and asks him to snap her photo. He turns the mobile to her, presses a few buttons and shows the Dia Mirza SMS to her.
She: oh how sweet
Mo: (yaar cheeti na lag jaya) Yea.

Scene 5)
I am dropping off my colleague who just had her house shifted to a new locality.
She: yes, its somewhere near. The buildings are familiar
Me: hmm (all building are made of bricks and concrete and SHOULD be familiar)
She: i guess its this lane. Or maybe the next one. I clearly remember there was a road in front of my house.
Me: (phew. what a elephantine memory)

Scene 6( The last time in my life i played a prank on a girl)
I call her up and in a husky voice: This is inispector Daroga from Lajpat Nagar pulice station. We have found your I Card near a FIR Spot. Can you please report to us by 7 PM? Try to bring some clothes incase you have to stay overnight in the jail.
She: (A literal heart seizure and a break down)It cant be. I am new to Delhi.
Me: It dont matter. FIR is a FIR.
(a few seconds of pestering later)
Me: Relax. its me . Dirty D0ggy.
She: What ?
Me: its me. its just a joke.
She: No you are lying. you are the Police.
Me:(oh God ! how do i get myself out of this.Then got her dearest friend to explain all this)

Well. I am short of words. Honestly.

Mahaparinirvana

Things I wish to do before i choose Mahaparinirvana or final exit from earth
---------------------------------------------------------
Done these:
Learn to speak a foreign language and make sure you use it. (je compreneds francais ! )

Be an extra in a film. (i still dont know where and when that film was released. But i was curious about a film shooting in my college when they pulled me in for the extras. )

Learn to skate(fell and hurt my bum. wont skate for the next few months)

Grow a beard and leave it for at least a month. (patchy beard. the chix detested it. my roomies sulked. my pet dog refused to play with me)

Shower in a waterfall. (aha ! with the girls that too. Mo might have more to say on this :) )

Ask for a raise. (I did. and quit the job next day when he disagreed !)

Stay out all night dancing and go to work the next day without having gone home (just once). (dont ask me about this one. sounds like fun. but it aint)

Make a complete and utter fool of yourself. (the less said about this one the better)

Own one very expensive but absolutely wonderful business suit. (Not very expensive but a bit)

Sleep under the stars. (Many Many times)

Find a job you love. (Am in that baby !)

Buy your own house and then spend time making it into exactly what you want. (Am trying...)

Kiss someone you've just met on a blind date. ( :) )

Create your own web site. (The admin pulled it off after a few months. The as#@#@#@)

Run a marathon. (For 47th Independence of India I did run a marthon from my school)

---------------------------------------------------------------------Will be done this year:

Plant a tree.

Sponsor a child

Send a message in a bottle.

Learn to play a musical instrument

Fart in a crowded space.

Have your portrait painted.

-------------------------------------------------------------Wish List

Have a live in relationship

Swim with a dolphin.

Skydive.

Fall deeply in love - helplessly and unconditionally.

Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia.

Write the novel you know you have inside you.

Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich.

Spend a night in a haunted house -alone.

See a lunar eclipse.

Spend New Year's in an exotic location.

Experience weightlessness.

Sing a great song in front of an audience.

Ask someone you've only just met to go on a date.

Fly through the Grand Canyon on my own twin seater plane
Grow a orchard.

Scuba dive off Australia's Great Barrier Reef.

Go up in a hot-air balloon.

Learn to bartend.

Be involved in a shootout and kill the culprits. Clean bullets thru the cranium *bang*

Make love in the car, in a forest/park, in the kitchen and in the lift.

PAIN !

No pain , No gain ?

Quotes from HHGTG

Authority

"You know," said Roosta, "you know, Beeblebrox. You want to meet the man
who rules the Universe."

''Can he cook?'', said Zaphod. On reflection he added: ''I doubt if he can.
If he could cook a good meal he wouldn't worry about the rest of the Universe.
I want to meet a cook.''

---

Social Value

Trin Tragula - for that was his name - was a dreamer, a thinker,
speculative philosopher or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.

---

Government

The major problem - one of the major problems, for there are
several -
one of the many major problems with governing people is
that of whom you
get to do it; or rather of who manages to get
people to let them do it to
them.
To summarize: it is a well known fact, that those people who
most
want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do
it.
To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of
getting
themselves made President should on no account be allowed to
do
the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are
a
problem.

---

Insults

''Oh,'' said Arthur brightly, ''you mean we've travelled in time but not in
space.''

''Listen you semi-evolved simian,'' cut in Zaphod, ''go climb a tree will
you?''

Arthur bristled.

''Go bang your heads together four-eyes,'' he advised Zaphod.

''No, no,'' the waiter said to Zaphod, ''your monkey has got it right,
sir.''

---

Big Bang

''But what about the End of the Universe? We'll miss the big moment.''

''I've seen it. It's rubbish,'' said Zaphod, ''nothing but a gnab gib.''

''A what?''

''Opposite of a big bang. Come on, let's get zappy.''

---

Evolution

The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases.

For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question ''How can we
eat?'', the second by the question ''Why do we eat?'' and the third by the
question, ''Where shall we have lunch?''

---

Logistic symmetry

''I wonder who this ship belongs to anyway,'' said Arthur.

''Me,'' said Zaphod.

''No. Who it really belongs to.''

''Really me,'' insisted Zaphod, ''look, property is theft, right?

Therefore theft is property. Therefore this ship is mine, OK?''

---

Higher primates

It is worth repeating at this point the theories that Ford had come up
with, on his first encounter with human beings, to account for their peculiar
habit of continually stating and restating the very very obvious, as it 'It's
a nice day,'' or ''You're very tall,'' or ''So this is it, we're going to
die.''

---

Abstract Computation

''Ford,'' he said, ''how many escape capsules are there?''

''None,'' said Ford.

Zaphod gibbered.

''Did you count them?'' he yelled.

''Twice,'' said Ford

---

Theology

''Your God person puts an apple tree in the middle of a garden and says do
what you like guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat
it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting `Gotcha'. It wouldn't have
made any difference if they hadn't eaten it.''

''Why not?''

''Because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality
which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know
perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end.''

---

Cognitive Psychology

His mouth started to speak, but his brain decided it hadn't got anything to
say yet and shut it again. His brain then started to contend with the problem
of what his eyes told it they were looking at, but in doing so relinquished
control of the mouth which promptly fell open again. Once more gathering up
the jaw, his brain lost control of his left hand which then wandered around in
an aimless fashion. For a second or so the brain tried to catch the left hand
without letting go of the mouth and simultaneously tried to think about what
was buried in the ice, which is probably why the legs went and Arthur dropped
restfully to the ground.

---

Encounters of The Third Kind

The alien creature frowned briefly and consulted what appeared to be some
species of clipboard which he was holding in his thin and spindly alien hand.

''Arthur Dent?'' it said.

Arthur nodded helplessly.

''Arthur Philip Dent?'' pursued the alien in a kind of efficient yap.

''Er ... er ... yes ... er ... er,'' confirmed Arthur.

''You're a jerk,'' repeated the alien, ''a complete asshole.''

''Er ...''

The creature nodded to itself, made a peculiar alien tick on its clipboard
and turned briskly back towards the ship.

---

Poetic Justice

''The dew,'' he observed, ''has clearly fallen with a particularly
sickening thud this morning.''

---

Intelligence

You may not instantly see why I bring the subject up, but that is because
my mind works so phenomenally fast, and I am at a rough estimate thirty
billion times more intelligent than you. Let me give you an example. Think of
a number, any number.''

''Er, five,'' said the mattress.

''Wrong,'' said Marvin. ''You see?''

The mattress was much impressed by this and realized that it was in the
presence of a not unremarkable mind. It willomied along its entire length,
sending excited little ripples through its shallow algae-covered pool.

---

the following is a mirror of  
http://www-personal.umd.umich.edu/~nhughes/dna/faqs/quotedir.html:

Douglas Adams Quote Directory

by Nick Humphries, u2nmh@csc.liv.ac.uk

The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy

---

"`...You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call attention to them
had you? I mean like actually telling anyone or anything.'
`But the plans
were on display...'
`On display? I eventually had to go down to the
cellar to find them.'
`That's the display department.'
`With a
torch.'
`Ah, well the lights had probably gone.'
`So had the
stairs.'
`But look you found the notice didn't you?'
`Yes,' said
Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing
cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware
of The Leopard".'"

-- Arthur singing the praises of the local council planning department.

"`Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.'
`Very deep,' said Arthur,
`you should send that in to the "Reader's Digest". They've got a page for
people like you.'"

-- Ford convincing Arthur to drink three pints in ten minutes at
lunchtime.

"`This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his
beer, `I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'"

 

-- Arthur, on what was to be his last Thursday on Earth.

"Pages one and two [of Zaphod's presidential speech] had been salvaged by
a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into an
extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. It was
constructed largely of papier mache and it was virtually impossible for a
newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested
Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck
with it."

 

-- An example of Damogran wildlife.

"`How do you feel?' he asked him.
`Like a military academy,' said
Arthur, `bits of me keep passing out.'" ....
`We're safe,' he
said.
`Oh good,' said Arthur.
`We're in a small galley cabin,' said
Ford, `in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.'
`Ah,'
said Arthur, `this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I
wasn't previously aware of.'

 

-- Arthur after his first ever teleport ride.

"`The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down
his throat...'"

 

-- The Book, on one of the Vogon's social inadequacies.

"`You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's
unpleasently like being drunk.'
`What's so unpleasent about being
drunk?'
`You ask a glass of water.'"

 

-- Arthur getting ready for his first jump into hyperspace.

"`You know,' said Arthur, `it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a
Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die from asphyxiation
in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when
I was young.'
`Why, what did she tell you?'
`I don't know, I didn't
listen.'"

 

-- Arthur coping with certain death as best as he could.

"`Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.'"

 

-- Arthur experiences the improbability drive at work.

"`I think you ought to know that I'm feeling very depressed.'"
"`Life,
don't talk to me about life.'"
"`Here I am, brain the size of a planet
and they ask me to take you down to the bridge. Call that "job
satisfaction"? 'Cos I don't.'"
"`I've got this terrible pain in all the
diodes down my left side.'"

 

-- Guess who.

"`If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught
and shot now.'"

 

"`Arthur:Sorry guys! Plans to take over the world is this week'"

 

-- Zaphod.

"`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL
men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri
were REAL small furry creatures from Aplha Centauri.'"