Authority
"You know," said Roosta, "you know, Beeblebrox. You want to meet the man
who rules the Universe."
''Can he cook?'', said Zaphod. On reflection he added: ''I doubt if he can.
If he could cook a good meal he wouldn't worry about the rest of the Universe.
I want to meet a cook.''
Social Value
Trin Tragula - for that was his name - was a dreamer, a thinker,
speculative philosopher or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
Government
- The major problem - one of the major problems, for there are
several -
one of the many major problems with governing people is
that of whom you
get to do it; or rather of who manages to get
people to let them do it to
them.
To summarize: it is a well known fact, that those people who
most
want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do
it.
To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of
getting
themselves made President should on no account be allowed to
do
the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are
a
problem.
Insults
''Oh,'' said Arthur brightly, ''you mean we've travelled in time but not in
space.''
''Listen you semi-evolved simian,'' cut in Zaphod, ''go climb a tree will
you?''
Arthur bristled.
''Go bang your heads together four-eyes,'' he advised Zaphod.
''No, no,'' the waiter said to Zaphod, ''your monkey has got it right,
sir.''
Big Bang
''But what about the End of the Universe? We'll miss the big moment.''
''I've seen it. It's rubbish,'' said Zaphod, ''nothing but a gnab gib.''
''A what?''
''Opposite of a big bang. Come on, let's get zappy.''
Evolution
The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases.
For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question ''How can we
eat?'', the second by the question ''Why do we eat?'' and the third by the
question, ''Where shall we have lunch?''
Logistic symmetry
''I wonder who this ship belongs to anyway,'' said Arthur.
''Me,'' said Zaphod.
''No. Who it really belongs to.''
''Really me,'' insisted Zaphod, ''look, property is theft, right?
Therefore theft is property. Therefore this ship is mine, OK?''
Higher primates
It is worth repeating at this point the theories that Ford had come up
with, on his first encounter with human beings, to account for their peculiar
habit of continually stating and restating the very very obvious, as it 'It's
a nice day,'' or ''You're very tall,'' or ''So this is it, we're going to
die.''
Abstract Computation
''Ford,'' he said, ''how many escape capsules are there?''
''None,'' said Ford.
Zaphod gibbered.
''Did you count them?'' he yelled.
''Twice,'' said Ford
Theology
''Your God person puts an apple tree in the middle of a garden and says do
what you like guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat
it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting `Gotcha'. It wouldn't have
made any difference if they hadn't eaten it.''
''Why not?''
''Because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality
which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know
perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end.''
Cognitive Psychology
His mouth started to speak, but his brain decided it hadn't got anything to
say yet and shut it again. His brain then started to contend with the problem
of what his eyes told it they were looking at, but in doing so relinquished
control of the mouth which promptly fell open again. Once more gathering up
the jaw, his brain lost control of his left hand which then wandered around in
an aimless fashion. For a second or so the brain tried to catch the left hand
without letting go of the mouth and simultaneously tried to think about what
was buried in the ice, which is probably why the legs went and Arthur dropped
restfully to the ground.
Encounters of The Third Kind
The alien creature frowned briefly and consulted what appeared to be some
species of clipboard which he was holding in his thin and spindly alien hand.
''Arthur Dent?'' it said.
Arthur nodded helplessly.
''Arthur Philip Dent?'' pursued the alien in a kind of efficient yap.
''Er ... er ... yes ... er ... er,'' confirmed Arthur.
''You're a jerk,'' repeated the alien, ''a complete asshole.''
''Er ...''
The creature nodded to itself, made a peculiar alien tick on its clipboard
and turned briskly back towards the ship.
Poetic Justice
''The dew,'' he observed, ''has clearly fallen with a particularly
sickening thud this morning.''
Intelligence
You may not instantly see why I bring the subject up, but that is because
my mind works so phenomenally fast, and I am at a rough estimate thirty
billion times more intelligent than you. Let me give you an example. Think of
a number, any number.''
''Er, five,'' said the mattress.
''Wrong,'' said Marvin. ''You see?''
The mattress was much impressed by this and realized that it was in the
presence of a not unremarkable mind. It willomied along its entire length,
sending excited little ripples through its shallow algae-covered pool.
the following is a mirror of
http://www-personal.umd.umich.edu/~nhughes/dna/faqs/quotedir.html:
Douglas Adams Quote Directory
by Nick Humphries, u2nmh@csc.liv.ac.uk
The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy
"`...You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call attention to them
had you? I mean like actually telling anyone or anything.'
`But the plans
were on display...'
`On display? I eventually had to go down to the
cellar to find them.'
`That's the display department.'
`With a
torch.'
`Ah, well the lights had probably gone.'
`So had the
stairs.'
`But look you found the notice didn't you?'
`Yes,' said
Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing
cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware
of The Leopard".'"
-- Arthur singing the praises of the local council planning department.
"`Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.'
`Very deep,' said Arthur,
`you should send that in to the "Reader's Digest". They've got a page for
people like you.'"
-- Ford convincing Arthur to drink three pints in ten minutes at
lunchtime.
"`This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his
beer, `I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'"
-- Arthur, on what was to be his last Thursday on Earth.
"Pages one and two [of Zaphod's presidential speech] had been salvaged by
a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into an
extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. It was
constructed largely of papier mache and it was virtually impossible for a
newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested
Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck
with it."
-- An example of Damogran wildlife.
"`How do you feel?' he asked him.
`Like a military academy,' said
Arthur, `bits of me keep passing out.'" ....
`We're safe,' he
said.
`Oh good,' said Arthur.
`We're in a small galley cabin,' said
Ford, `in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.'
`Ah,'
said Arthur, `this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I
wasn't previously aware of.'
-- Arthur after his first ever teleport ride.
"`The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down
his throat...'"
-- The Book, on one of the Vogon's social inadequacies.
"`You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's
unpleasently like being drunk.'
`What's so unpleasent about being
drunk?'
`You ask a glass of water.'"
-- Arthur getting ready for his first jump into hyperspace.
"`You know,' said Arthur, `it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a
Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die from asphyxiation
in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when
I was young.'
`Why, what did she tell you?'
`I don't know, I didn't
listen.'"
-- Arthur coping with certain death as best as he could.
"`Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.'"
-- Arthur experiences the improbability drive at work.
"`I think you ought to know that I'm feeling very depressed.'"
"`Life,
don't talk to me about life.'"
"`Here I am, brain the size of a planet
and they ask me to take you down to the bridge. Call that "job
satisfaction"? 'Cos I don't.'"
"`I've got this terrible pain in all the
diodes down my left side.'"
-- Guess who.
"`If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught
and shot now.'"
"`Arthur:Sorry guys! Plans to take over the world is this week'"
-- Zaphod.
"`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL
men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri
were REAL small furry creatures from Aplha Centauri.'"
