My rendezvous with an online scammer

Rent.com is infested with online scammer in the roommates section.
Here is my email converstaion with one such person. His second email was a dead giveaway that he was a scammer.
The oldest emails are on the top. The email content is verbatim. I have just rearranged the email top down for easy reading and reference. have fun !




Dennis <[xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com> wrote:
Hi
The apartment is on [xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx] The rent will be 650$ and there will be basic furnishings in the apartment. I am moving into the apartment on Nov 1st and will be furnished in the first week of my move.
drop me a note if you need more details.

-----------------
On 10/14/07, Kelvin Harrison wrote:
Thanks for your email, all i want to know is the structure of the room, and i will also like to know more about you, so that we can get to know the method you will like for the payment since the rent is 650$, so tell me more about you and your family, so i can also let you know of mine, as you can see,My Name is Sanz, so tell me more about you and why you need a roommate.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks

----------
Dennis <[xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com > wrote:
There are two bedrooms. The kitchen & hall will be shared. I want my roommate to pay the rent after he/she has moved in.
I am looking for a roommate to split costs of the apartment.
I am 25 m single

--------------

On 10/14/07, Kelvin Harrison wrote:
Thanks for the reply, this is just to let you now that now am away, i maen am not at the us residence so that is why i have been looking for a room mate so as to stay with when ever i com, and i can see that you will be the kind of person i will like to stay with, also am single, so may i have your information so i can arrange for the payment, and also i don't know your kind of payment method,well if i could say,

1, If you can provide me with your bank detail to i can send the money to your banks account,
OR
2, If you will like to accept check, so provide me with the one you will like to offer so i can pay for the apartment quick.

Thanks and GOD bless you.


--------------
Dennis <[xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com> wrote:
do you want to give me money before moving in ??
-------------


On 10/15/07, Kelvin Harrison wrote:
Yes i will get you paid before moving in to the room to be your room mate, so please kindly mail me back with the type of payment you will like to take, so i can know cus i have already provide you with two option in my previous email i send to you.

Thanks for the offer again


--------------

Dennis <[xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com> wrote:
check is good. send across the check my good man

----------------



On 10/15/07, Kelvin Harrison wrote:
Thanks for the reply, so kindly mail me back with all you information, so i can get the check send , so you can pay for the room.
Thanks
---------
Dennis <[xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com> wrote:
what information do you need? my address ? mail to me on dennis quaid 1905 forrest drive , hempstead, NY

------------
On 10/16/07, Kelvin Harrison wrote:
Yes, information like,
1, YOUR REAL NAME
2, CONTCT ADDRESS
with the my own money for the apartment ok, Mail me asap

--------------------
Dennis <[xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com> wrote:
OK. Here are my details

Name: Doyle, Arthur
Address: 221B Baker Street, Blumpkin, Brooklyn , New York.

Would you be able to remit me the money before you move in please? I will be undergoing some cosmetic surgery and need some money badly. let me know please.

-----------------
On 10/17/07, Kelvin Harrison wrote:
Thanks for the email, plaese the information you provide is not yet complete, so try nad get back to me with your phone number with the city zipcode, so i can issue the check, and for the apartment for now i will be busy for now, so as soon as you get back to me with the remaining information then i will issue the check and as soona s you got the check we shall proceed with all the discussion ok.


Hope to hear from you cus i will like to issue the check before i come to the residence.

Thanks

-----------
Dennis <[xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com> wrote:
are you male or female?

----------------

On 10/18/07, Kelvin Harrison wrote:
a female of 23years, so what do you mean asking me a m or f,so mail me back with the zip/code so i can proceed with the payment process asap.


thanks
---------------
Dennis <[xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com> wrote:
i am male but will be undergoing a sex change operation next week so please call me margaret hence forth.
unfortunately i will be only looking for males after the surgery so we wont be compatible anymore unless you are lesbian.
let me know your sexual preferences please.
----------

From: Kelvin Harrison < kelvin_harrison1@yahoo.com>
Date: Oct 20, 2007 3:29 AM
Subject: Re: Mail me back now
To: Dennis < [xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com>


Thanks,this is to inform you that i have a male called littlewood timothy at collinscraig007@yahoo.com he is also looking for a male roommate , so make the contact with him at the email given to you above and provide him with the necessary information for the payment, so he can help you out.


Thanks
------------------
Dennis <[xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com> wrote:
Hi collins,
I am luking for a roomate on Baker street. I am a transexual, a lesbian trapped inside a man's body. I need roommate. you one? please help


---------------


On 10/20/07, cliff collins wrote:
hello and how are you doing today sanz told me some few things about you but i will be very glad if you tell me more about yourself .


thanks

timothy

-------------
Dennis <[xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com> wrote:
hello cliff !
I am a transexual. I used to have a really big member but now I have undergone sex change operations. It was painful at the beginning and to see the world from a different perspective is a bit .. umm different. dont you think? let me know what you think please.

margaret

------------
On 10/21/07, cliff collins wrote:
ok that is ok but

I am writing just to confirm if you still have the room for rent..If YES Please I will like to have answers to the following questions below: 1) I will like to have the description of the room, size, and the equipments in there. 2) I will like to have the rent fee per month plus the utilities. 3) Also I will like to know if there is any garage or parking space cos I will have my own car come over. 4) I will also be coming with some of my electronics, that is if it is allowed, like home theater,plasma tv, book shelf cos I read a lot, shoe rank etc 5) I will also like to know if I can make an advance payment ahead my arrival that will stand as a kind of commitment that I am truly coming over and for you to hold the room down for me. 6) If the #5 questions is YES, I will like to know the total cost for my initial move as in first month rent and if you accept deposit. 7) I will like to know the major intersection nearest your neighborhood. like shopping mall, bus line e.t.c 8)i hope your area is not prone to any future hurricane 9) Lastly, I will like to know more about you and also I will like to have your pics as for me to know how my roommate to be looks like. I will be very glad to have all this questions answered with out leaving a stone unturned... Here is all I can say about my self for now. I am 25 years old and I work full time,Monday through Friday and have weekends off except for once a month. I was born in Orlando, Florida,

-----------
Dennis <[xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com> wrote:

YES i still have the room available.
i am sorry i cant type fast. the new boobs that i have hinder my typing speed. ok here are details. there is only one bedroom and we will have to share a bed. i hope that is OK. the rent fee is around 500$ and theres garage space. its near blumpkin ave, NY. yes elecronics are allowed. I myslef have many dildos that I use. the ribbed one particularly uses many voltage but it gives greatest pleasure.
no advance payment. you can pay after you move in.
i was born in blumpkin with one scrotum only. the doctors perfomed a major surgery for another one. however instead of having one bad one i decided to have no bad one.

i have attached my cute photo before my sugery but i swear to god i still look cute.
there are no hurricanes here except in our bed ;)

love
margaret


----------------
On 10/21/07, cliff collins wrote:
ok that is problem you really look great like you rightly said so i have no problem with your sex staus cos i am the adventurous typy and i really love to experience new things so that is that about that as for the moving in date i think i will be moving in by early next month and also sanz told me you would like check as you mode of payment and that is no problem by me so let know where to direct the payment to so i will want us to rap this up as fast as we can so we can start talking about the day i will be moving in .


await your reply thanks


timothy


-------------
Dennis <[xxxxxxxxxxxxx]@gmail.com> wrote:
listen sweetpants,
i said you could send me the check directly to my home. i gave you the address.
here it is again
Name: Doyle, Arthur now Thatcher, Margaret
Address: 221B Baker Street, Blumpkin, Brooklyn , New York. 12108

lets start talking about the day you will be moving in. and the nights too ;)
can i have your pic please?

love you sweetheart
~maggie
-------
------------------------------
- Hide quoted text -
On 10/22/07, cliff collins wrote:

hello and how are you doing today ,
i will be issueing the check really very soon cos i will be moving soon and also i attched a a copy of my recent pic and also will want to have your phone number so that i can reach you i will keep you posted on the latest developmnet bye for now


timothy

----------
holy shit man !!!!!
i didnt realize that the fbi had bugged our conversations and now i got an email that have tracked you down and are flying down personally to kick your arse. when they pound your door, knock it down and then point guns at you, dont be nasty to them coz you know this gun & shit aint fun.
i always feel guilty of playing with dicks for too long so let me apologize.
and here's a tip: no one will ever know that you've had a lobotomy if you wear a wig to hide to the scars; stop posting your bullshit scam emails on the internet, and learn to control the slobbering. It's truly amazing the way you spew nonsense to rip people off, but then, making sense isn't your area of expertise, is it? Well, you're certainly thoughtless; I just wish that you were keyboard-less, too. someone famous said somewhere: "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."

beat it dipshit

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr said...

  "If a man hasn't discovered something he will die
for, he isn't fit to live."

Here was a man who lived full-out, as a visionary
in life.  Can you imagine what it was like to be him?

The purpose, the passion, the honor...

You can live that kind of a life.  But it takes vision.

And what most people don't realize is...

  VISION IS NOT AN INTELLECTUAL EXPERIENCE

Think raw emotion.  Overwhelming love.  Intense
passion.

The difference between a dream and a vision
is emotion - deep emotion.

It's one thing to be excited about a big dream.

It's quite another thing to feel such a strong inner
calling that you'd face anything from one moment
to the next.

When you have vision, there's no need to dream,
to hope, to try.  You have a deep sense of knowing.

It's called vision.

Some people's vision is so strong that they'd give
their life for it.  You can see it in their eyes
and hear it in their voice.  They see something.

Those are the people you just can't doubt--You
just have to stand back and watch.

Knowledge?  Skills?  Resources?  Ha!  Those are
trivial things to them, my friend.

They feel called from within on such a deep level
that they need no guarantees.  They need no supporters.
They need no sleep.

What about you?

Think about that dream or idea you have...

Are you so deeply connected to it that you would
lay down your life for it?

Is it even possible to get so deeply connected
to your values and your vision that you would
face any challenge, any person, any fear?

And how would that change your life forever?

 

Soaks my skin - through to the bone
Pain is nothing that a downpour won't erase
Rain - you can't hold on to it
A treasure you cannot frame
Rain - somehow I'm drawn to it
I feel engaged, one and the same
When heavens dressing beads off my face
The pain is nothing that
a downpour won't erase

Adieus from the Dog That Knew Too Much

holy schmoly

I nearly blew my top when I read this on the internet.
How can a self respecting Indian woman allow this to happen ? She had to slap the old geezer right on the face SMACK!! like that. On top of that she was giggling.All over india protestors were shouting slogans and burning effigies throwing Mr Gere's schedule out of gear. I wanted to join the morcha too, however I was delayed when the train I was travelling on was canceled due to protestors burning compartments and throwing stones. They were protesting the hike in train fares.

The ignorant Americans think we Indians are so backward but little do they know that we have progressed so much in the last 10 years.
Women can now travel INSIDE a bus.
The marriageble age for girls has now been increased to 12.
It is no longer forbidden to hold hands of a woman in public view provided the woman in question is your wife and both of your age must exceed 85 and it must be a full moon day.
Numerous malls have sprung up everywhere where people can visit and spend useful time of their life appreciating the marvel of engineering.

Home ministry has released a confidential US document that New Delhi is the most livable city in India. He said it doesnt matter much that it has been ranked 248 in list of 300 cities world wide.
George W Bush confirmed that New Delhi indeed has jumped 1 place in the last 5 years from 249th to 248.Earlier 248th position was occupied by Baghdad. The cabinet ministers have relased a statement that due to rapid progress in social, economical & mental factors in New Delhi and due to sheer perseverance, hard work & talent we were able to over take Baghdad in the livability-index. Iraq home minister was unavalaible for comment when Manmohan excitedly tried to call him to deliver the news. (Editor: we later learnt that he was infact shot down while he was in the toilet and hence the non-response contratry to some non-believers that he was JUST not interested in the news)

Meanwhile in other unrelated reports Times Of India decided to whole heartedly support Sanjaya in his quest for glory on the American Idol.
TOI, being quite a patriotic newspaper, picks up anything or anyone distantly related to India (even if they are the 100th generation which is quite wierd since we could well be the 70th generation of the Australopithecus ) in the US to showcase how much our generation is progressing. The lad in question, Sanjaya, however could not pin point on which continent India lay even after 5 attempts. His Italian mother however brushed off the incident as one-off and confirmed that Sanajaya is an typical yank.

Cabinet ministers are meeting tomorrow to perform a havan for Sanjayas success. Lalu has released a report that the cricket team's stumps and bats will be used to the havan. The priest who performed the havan for Indian cricket team is missing and the Delhi police are tight lipped about this situation. Sonia Gandhi has declared that it will be a weeks bandh and goverment office will not function inorder to mourn incase Sanjaya is kicked out of the contest.

United Nations released a statement that "There is too much hunger in the rest of the world and more food is required." The whole statement was a flop as the Indian ministers didnt knew what or who United Nations were. The Europeans didnt know what "hunger" was. Africa didnt know what "Food" was while United States didnt knew what "rest of the world" was.


Viva La India !

drawbacks of a dick

Having a dick is a privilege. Dont get me wrong here.
I dont mean to be vulgar. Nor am I saying that the fair sex, lacking one, is inferior. Put nicely it feels great to be a man. However the trials and tribulations that one must go thru inorder to morph from a juvenile to a mature responsible is plain too much. This is where I feel that the endangered species , the females, are advantageous. How many guys stopped to ask direction from a pandu havaldar in delhi only to have him chew tobacco and look at you as if you landed from mars. Then he would nod his head and look around at the same time scratching his balls and just shrug his shoulders. Now the way to solve this is just to have a chick with you. yes sir that solves all the problems and you have wonderful directions from any stranger in delhi. so wonderful that it would put your GPS directions to shame.
such is the attitude in delhi.

This post is not about delhi. Its not even about traffic chaos in that God forbidden city.

Its about dick.Since I was a boy I was fascinated to study the difference and what better place than on o3 and orkut ?
Lets take an example of this chick http://www.orkut.com/Scrapbook.aspx?uid=8282850887450610834.
As you can well see the “frand sheep“ bandwagon hasnt taken long to hunt down this babe and there are three zillion twenty nine million seven thousand and fifty four requests for “frendz“ for her.
Which brings me back to the question that I have never been able to solve “Can the females in india EVER feel or be alone ?“ I mean all they need to do is to drop a feeler and there are thousand dicks ready to kiss her ass and worship the ground she treads on. There are a thousand more dicks ready to notice if she has changed her mascara or if she has new pics on her album.

Well Ok. This post is not even about the leeching dicks that abound these sites but I do want to keep them in mind in my journey through life. This post is about normal dicks like me and why being independent is important in the making of a man.

What started off this fascination was my ex boss. He was the biggest back stabbing bastard I have ever seen. And I spent the best valentines day with him. Its pretty unusual for such a thing to happen. I aint gay and I spent a valentines with a guy whom I loathed and despised ?

Well valentines day is usually the worst day I ever have every year and that particular year it was no exception. The whole office group had collected to discuss where to go to celebrate the day. And me usually the center of popularity for all events was all animated about the event. I had my eye on couple of girls for the day. It was all set for 3 pm and we returned to our cubicles. Come 3pm and I was in for a shock. All of them had left and had forgotten me. How could they do this to me ? Would they have done this if I was a female ? those bastards would have been all around begging and kissing.
I couldnt stop my tears as I rushed to the bathroom and locked myself in. Unfortunately or fortunately my boss saw me in nick of time. He pounded the door, pulled me out and dragged me to his cabin.
He listened sympathetically to me and then finally said “You cannot afford to cry.Men dont cry. There are two kinds of men. A duck and a cat. Which one is you?“

I was a duck. A dick. Not a pussy.
“A duck“ I said
“Excellent “ he said “Then never ever bend down for others.If theres a problem only you have to solve it. Its the drawback of having a dick. OK? Lets celebrate the valentines here “

He called up few places and ordered coffee and pastries.


Suddenly everything was clicking in place. I was no longer a boy.

Greatest List of God's mistakes.

Ok, lets get the obvious out of the way and get straight to the point.
The obvious stuff:
* God is NOT a person. I repeat. God is NOT a person. Its a special position entitled to a person. Much like "Tom is the chairman". That doesnt mean "Tom" and "chairman" are
the same thing. Hope you understand what I mean. Also point to be noted is that the person for this position is arbitrarily chosen it could be anyone. a chicken. a cat. even someone you dislike. so be careful of the ass you kick. You might have to kiss it someday.
* You have to understand that "challenges" are not the same thing as misery. Me asking you to play chess with me is challenge for you. Me boiling you in oil is misery for you.
Got point ? Good lets move on
* It requires paranormal intelligence to understand & predict God's actions. If you could, you would be smarter, right ?

Unless you have other things in mind thats way too obvious lets get down to business
1) Women: Cant stay without 'em. Cant stay with them. Love 'em ? Damned if do. Damned if you don't. Just plain damned. Just why on earth (or any other planet ) did God create creatures
as pretty as them with intelligence comparable to the organisms that I used to dissect in my skool ?
2) Love: Ok let me put it in my comrade ,Smith's, words:
"Illusions of a mind ... the temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify its existence that is without meaning or purpose . .. as unreal as life itself. Although only a human
mind can invent something as insipid as love". Amen ! Quite a mouthful , eh ? read it all over again and aloud. If you still cant seem to get it your life is purposeless. Consider taking up life as an hermit.
3)Miseries: This is too obvious fundamental mistake. Everytime I muse about life , the universe, the challenges , the answers I realize that it was here God goofed up the most. Some of these calamites (natural or otherwise) can be related to the female of the species. Even if you think on a biological scale if something bites you , most likely its gotta be a female.
By the way, those of you who are still searching for the meaning of life and the answer to everything in the universe the answer is 42.
Excerpt:
They asked the computer for the Answer.
"The answer to what?", asked Deep Thought.
"Life! The Universe! Everything!" they said.

After calculating for seven million years, it told them that the Answer was "Forty-two"...

Cheers from the Dog That Knew Too Much.
Be safe. Be good. Think. Dont be an idiot. Class dismissed.

Arranged Marriages ?

A guy I know had married couple of days ago. An arranged marriage. He never saw or met the girl. Hes in Calcutta while she is in Pune. And quite obviously the day he got her cell number they were talking long hours. I never quite understood this behaviour of people who are undergoing pre-arranged marriages. Thats love he said. I nodded.
The clincher came when he got married and had to return to office in a few days. The next weekend he flew back coz he couldnt "wait".
"Responsibilities, ya'know" he said.
I nodded.
Pray , what kind of responsibilties ? I could let my wicked mind run riot but its quite obvious that people who are desperate to get settled via arranged marriage have a one track mind. The "path of no return" beckons them. Marry if you must. Not if you can. You marry because you love. It cant be anyother way. I wouldnt understand it anyother way since I am extremely choosy even about picking my friends. The thought of spending a life time with someone who I barely know is a nightmare. And hence my long standing thought "Arranged marriages are like prostituion. Only its exclusive and long term"

You Got Male !

Its a mans world ! theres no denying that.No wonder we have intelliGENT but not intelliLADY.
What girls dont understand is that men are inherently single tasking animals. They cant drive and listen to their rants, cant phone and work at the same time, cant drink coffee and stir it at the same time. etc etc.

We dont study people and judge them by the tone of their voice. We have a sense of humor at everything. Yes. Everything. They dont seem to understand and seem to have various mood for various situations.For us Life is a joke.No one gets out alive , isnt it ?

Like the last week I used the "incorrect tone" at a girl and found that her mobile was unreachable till midnight. Panic seized me as i called Mo and explained what happened. Oh dont worry. He chuckled. Whats the max that could happen ? Even if she ran away from home we will have her name and photo in tomorrows newpaper. Thats it !
Well he IS a typical male. I must admit.

But girls do they understand ? Considering the following situations i dont think so.

Scene 1) I am looking for a parking spot to park my car and driving along scanning the perimeters of road. "Shall we park there ? " i asked her. "No" she said "dont park infront of people's house. They deflate the tires"
"Well i can only see girls in the house " I said
"What makes you think girls wont deflate tyres ?"
"Well " i replied "if they could locate the tyre they would "
She put on a disgusted look on her face
"i dont know why you guys (undermine a girl , think so big) etc etc" i couldnt hear the rest of the sentence coz i found a parking spot and was concentrating on parking there.
Well. This time she was correct. There were four girls in front of the house and the probablity of one of the four girls correctly locating one of the four wheels were high.

Scene 2) Serious conversation on phone (Like on how to reduce poverty , misery and suffering, nagging in the world etc etc)
Me: " Oh yes. i See" nodding so vigourously my head literally came off and bounced on the floor.
She: " I suppose you find this funny"
Me: " NO !"
She : "What do you mean No"
Me: I mean no. its not funny. (honestly , whats the answer)
She: Your tone suggested other wise
Me: (Silent.Be still my beating heart)
She: Why are you silent ? Do you mean something
Me:No. NO
She: NO ?
Me: I went into a diabetic coma and cant remember how i wriggled out of this situation.

Scene 3)
I am concentrating on my work(or atleast pretending to do so) and staring so hard at the computer that its burning a hole in the monitor Like any typical alpha male I can concentrate on only ONE thing at a time.And suddenly i hear her voice
"What database are you using ?"
Me: (totally out of synch. Was dreaming about vacation in hawaii. What the heck is a database ? Where am i ?I gotta say something in order to avoid being branded a dumbo) Well... hmmm... there are many databases.
She: (nearly a shriek) what the hell do you mean by there are many databases ? There is only one, the DB23i !
Me: (well. I WAS dumb. there was only one database and I dont remember its name ? Shame on me!)
Cheers NB. Hope you got me now.

Scene 4)
Mo has got a run of the mill camera and he has got an text sms of Dia Mirza in it. He shows the phone to his colleague and says its a mobile with camera.She is excited and asks him to snap her photo. He turns the mobile to her, presses a few buttons and shows the Dia Mirza SMS to her.
She: oh how sweet
Mo: (yaar cheeti na lag jaya) Yea.

Scene 5)
I am dropping off my colleague who just had her house shifted to a new locality.
She: yes, its somewhere near. The buildings are familiar
Me: hmm (all building are made of bricks and concrete and SHOULD be familiar)
She: i guess its this lane. Or maybe the next one. I clearly remember there was a road in front of my house.
Me: (phew. what a elephantine memory)

Scene 6( The last time in my life i played a prank on a girl)
I call her up and in a husky voice: This is inispector Daroga from Lajpat Nagar pulice station. We have found your I Card near a FIR Spot. Can you please report to us by 7 PM? Try to bring some clothes incase you have to stay overnight in the jail.
She: (A literal heart seizure and a break down)It cant be. I am new to Delhi.
Me: It dont matter. FIR is a FIR.
(a few seconds of pestering later)
Me: Relax. its me . Dirty D0ggy.
She: What ?
Me: its me. its just a joke.
She: No you are lying. you are the Police.
Me:(oh God ! how do i get myself out of this.Then got her dearest friend to explain all this)

Well. I am short of words. Honestly.

Mahaparinirvana

Things I wish to do before i choose Mahaparinirvana or final exit from earth
---------------------------------------------------------
Done these:
Learn to speak a foreign language and make sure you use it. (je compreneds francais ! )

Be an extra in a film. (i still dont know where and when that film was released. But i was curious about a film shooting in my college when they pulled me in for the extras. )

Learn to skate(fell and hurt my bum. wont skate for the next few months)

Grow a beard and leave it for at least a month. (patchy beard. the chix detested it. my roomies sulked. my pet dog refused to play with me)

Shower in a waterfall. (aha ! with the girls that too. Mo might have more to say on this :) )

Ask for a raise. (I did. and quit the job next day when he disagreed !)

Stay out all night dancing and go to work the next day without having gone home (just once). (dont ask me about this one. sounds like fun. but it aint)

Make a complete and utter fool of yourself. (the less said about this one the better)

Own one very expensive but absolutely wonderful business suit. (Not very expensive but a bit)

Sleep under the stars. (Many Many times)

Find a job you love. (Am in that baby !)

Buy your own house and then spend time making it into exactly what you want. (Am trying...)

Kiss someone you've just met on a blind date. ( :) )

Create your own web site. (The admin pulled it off after a few months. The as#@#@#@)

Run a marathon. (For 47th Independence of India I did run a marthon from my school)

---------------------------------------------------------------------Will be done this year:

Plant a tree.

Sponsor a child

Send a message in a bottle.

Learn to play a musical instrument

Fart in a crowded space.

Have your portrait painted.

-------------------------------------------------------------Wish List

Have a live in relationship

Swim with a dolphin.

Skydive.

Fall deeply in love - helplessly and unconditionally.

Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia.

Write the novel you know you have inside you.

Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich.

Spend a night in a haunted house -alone.

See a lunar eclipse.

Spend New Year's in an exotic location.

Experience weightlessness.

Sing a great song in front of an audience.

Ask someone you've only just met to go on a date.

Fly through the Grand Canyon on my own twin seater plane
Grow a orchard.

Scuba dive off Australia's Great Barrier Reef.

Go up in a hot-air balloon.

Learn to bartend.

Be involved in a shootout and kill the culprits. Clean bullets thru the cranium *bang*

Make love in the car, in a forest/park, in the kitchen and in the lift.

PAIN !

No pain , No gain ?

Quotes from HHGTG

Authority

"You know," said Roosta, "you know, Beeblebrox. You want to meet the man
who rules the Universe."

''Can he cook?'', said Zaphod. On reflection he added: ''I doubt if he can.
If he could cook a good meal he wouldn't worry about the rest of the Universe.
I want to meet a cook.''

---

Social Value

Trin Tragula - for that was his name - was a dreamer, a thinker,
speculative philosopher or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.

---

Government

The major problem - one of the major problems, for there are
several -
one of the many major problems with governing people is
that of whom you
get to do it; or rather of who manages to get
people to let them do it to
them.
To summarize: it is a well known fact, that those people who
most
want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do
it.
To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of
getting
themselves made President should on no account be allowed to
do
the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are
a
problem.

---

Insults

''Oh,'' said Arthur brightly, ''you mean we've travelled in time but not in
space.''

''Listen you semi-evolved simian,'' cut in Zaphod, ''go climb a tree will
you?''

Arthur bristled.

''Go bang your heads together four-eyes,'' he advised Zaphod.

''No, no,'' the waiter said to Zaphod, ''your monkey has got it right,
sir.''

---

Big Bang

''But what about the End of the Universe? We'll miss the big moment.''

''I've seen it. It's rubbish,'' said Zaphod, ''nothing but a gnab gib.''

''A what?''

''Opposite of a big bang. Come on, let's get zappy.''

---

Evolution

The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases.

For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question ''How can we
eat?'', the second by the question ''Why do we eat?'' and the third by the
question, ''Where shall we have lunch?''

---

Logistic symmetry

''I wonder who this ship belongs to anyway,'' said Arthur.

''Me,'' said Zaphod.

''No. Who it really belongs to.''

''Really me,'' insisted Zaphod, ''look, property is theft, right?

Therefore theft is property. Therefore this ship is mine, OK?''

---

Higher primates

It is worth repeating at this point the theories that Ford had come up
with, on his first encounter with human beings, to account for their peculiar
habit of continually stating and restating the very very obvious, as it 'It's
a nice day,'' or ''You're very tall,'' or ''So this is it, we're going to
die.''

---

Abstract Computation

''Ford,'' he said, ''how many escape capsules are there?''

''None,'' said Ford.

Zaphod gibbered.

''Did you count them?'' he yelled.

''Twice,'' said Ford

---

Theology

''Your God person puts an apple tree in the middle of a garden and says do
what you like guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat
it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting `Gotcha'. It wouldn't have
made any difference if they hadn't eaten it.''

''Why not?''

''Because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality
which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know
perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end.''

---

Cognitive Psychology

His mouth started to speak, but his brain decided it hadn't got anything to
say yet and shut it again. His brain then started to contend with the problem
of what his eyes told it they were looking at, but in doing so relinquished
control of the mouth which promptly fell open again. Once more gathering up
the jaw, his brain lost control of his left hand which then wandered around in
an aimless fashion. For a second or so the brain tried to catch the left hand
without letting go of the mouth and simultaneously tried to think about what
was buried in the ice, which is probably why the legs went and Arthur dropped
restfully to the ground.

---

Encounters of The Third Kind

The alien creature frowned briefly and consulted what appeared to be some
species of clipboard which he was holding in his thin and spindly alien hand.

''Arthur Dent?'' it said.

Arthur nodded helplessly.

''Arthur Philip Dent?'' pursued the alien in a kind of efficient yap.

''Er ... er ... yes ... er ... er,'' confirmed Arthur.

''You're a jerk,'' repeated the alien, ''a complete asshole.''

''Er ...''

The creature nodded to itself, made a peculiar alien tick on its clipboard
and turned briskly back towards the ship.

---

Poetic Justice

''The dew,'' he observed, ''has clearly fallen with a particularly
sickening thud this morning.''

---

Intelligence

You may not instantly see why I bring the subject up, but that is because
my mind works so phenomenally fast, and I am at a rough estimate thirty
billion times more intelligent than you. Let me give you an example. Think of
a number, any number.''

''Er, five,'' said the mattress.

''Wrong,'' said Marvin. ''You see?''

The mattress was much impressed by this and realized that it was in the
presence of a not unremarkable mind. It willomied along its entire length,
sending excited little ripples through its shallow algae-covered pool.

---

the following is a mirror of  
http://www-personal.umd.umich.edu/~nhughes/dna/faqs/quotedir.html:

Douglas Adams Quote Directory

by Nick Humphries, u2nmh@csc.liv.ac.uk

The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy

---

"`...You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call attention to them
had you? I mean like actually telling anyone or anything.'
`But the plans
were on display...'
`On display? I eventually had to go down to the
cellar to find them.'
`That's the display department.'
`With a
torch.'
`Ah, well the lights had probably gone.'
`So had the
stairs.'
`But look you found the notice didn't you?'
`Yes,' said
Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing
cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware
of The Leopard".'"

-- Arthur singing the praises of the local council planning department.

"`Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.'
`Very deep,' said Arthur,
`you should send that in to the "Reader's Digest". They've got a page for
people like you.'"

-- Ford convincing Arthur to drink three pints in ten minutes at
lunchtime.

"`This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his
beer, `I never could get the hang of Thursdays.'"

 

-- Arthur, on what was to be his last Thursday on Earth.

"Pages one and two [of Zaphod's presidential speech] had been salvaged by
a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into an
extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. It was
constructed largely of papier mache and it was virtually impossible for a
newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested
Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck
with it."

 

-- An example of Damogran wildlife.

"`How do you feel?' he asked him.
`Like a military academy,' said
Arthur, `bits of me keep passing out.'" ....
`We're safe,' he
said.
`Oh good,' said Arthur.
`We're in a small galley cabin,' said
Ford, `in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.'
`Ah,'
said Arthur, `this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I
wasn't previously aware of.'

 

-- Arthur after his first ever teleport ride.

"`The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down
his throat...'"

 

-- The Book, on one of the Vogon's social inadequacies.

"`You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It's
unpleasently like being drunk.'
`What's so unpleasent about being
drunk?'
`You ask a glass of water.'"

 

-- Arthur getting ready for his first jump into hyperspace.

"`You know,' said Arthur, `it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a
Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die from asphyxiation
in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when
I was young.'
`Why, what did she tell you?'
`I don't know, I didn't
listen.'"

 

-- Arthur coping with certain death as best as he could.

"`Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.'"

 

-- Arthur experiences the improbability drive at work.

"`I think you ought to know that I'm feeling very depressed.'"
"`Life,
don't talk to me about life.'"
"`Here I am, brain the size of a planet
and they ask me to take you down to the bridge. Call that "job
satisfaction"? 'Cos I don't.'"
"`I've got this terrible pain in all the
diodes down my left side.'"

 

-- Guess who.

"`If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught
and shot now.'"

 

"`Arthur:Sorry guys! Plans to take over the world is this week'"

 

-- Zaphod.

"`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL
men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri
were REAL small furry creatures from Aplha Centauri.'"